I was standing in the kitchen cutting whole mushrooms for dinner (Probably a bit more harshly than necessary!) , frustrated with a lot of things that have been going on the past few days. The room was completely silent, perfect for one thing: thinking. I was mulling over a lot of thing things which had been said and done by people (including myself) and wondering what the heck was going through our minds when we said them. It was frustrating, upsetting, and I was wondering what the point of all of it happened to be. Then I thought of my FSE, this FSE (and to quote Gilmore Girls, my favourite TV program for comic relief, "You win. You're in my head. You are in my head! Are you happy now?"). I guess it's one of those things where, you hear about something for the first time, then it comes up in a bunch of seemingly random places and you think, 'I know what that means.' Only, I wasn't hearing about deception for the first time, just really focusing on it. I realized something too: it has taken over my life. It has slid its way into all the little cracks in my daily existence and manifested itself as a part of who I am. I don't like that. To be honest with you, it repulses me. I have become so wrapped up in telling people that there's nothing to worry about, that I'm not frustrated or overwhelmed, that the world is a perfect place and I go around skipping through fields of daisies, that I don't remember what it was like to live a life where I am not deceiving people on a daily basis. And trust me, my conscience reminds me of what I am doing constantly. I just keep telling myself that it's necessary though, because I honestly believe it is. I have spent my whole life building my morals to what they are and I am not one to take them lightly - ask anyone, but there are some exceptions to every rule, or so they say. I think I am an exception to that rule. My deception is not selfish. If I really wanted to be selfish, I would go around telling people all the secrets I have been asked to keep. I would tell people the truth, and the people I love would get hurt. That is not something I want. The thing is, that's not the only kind of deception. There is the kind that's not really an exception to any rule - the kind Shakespeare used in the writing of Macbeth.
Macbeth's deception is self-serving. He wants something so he hurts and kills the people around him to get it. He lies and he cheats because he wants power, because he thinks it should be his. Maybe he's delusional, maybe he's just selfish. He deceives people not because he has to, but because he wants something, and that is inexcusable to me.
You could probably say that what I am doing is inexcusable. Heck, I think it's inexcusable to do wrong because you think you are an exception to a rule. It's selfish and I judge myself for it on a daily basis. I just don't want to hurt other people. If you talk to me in thirty years, I can't tell you what I'll have to say about this. I don't know how my story is going to end, so I don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong. I can stand here and tell you it is wrong, because morally it is, and then keep doing it. What good will that do? I can make excuses, or let the web get so tangled that I, the spider, will no longer be able to keep weaving it, but rather suffocate in her own lies, but neither of those thing would do any good either. I can only wait and see how my story plays out.
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