The End

I have come to the end of my blog. I am sorry it has gone on longer that I had originally intended. I hope I did not bore you too much, and if I did, I sincerely apologize. I hope I have covered everything I should have and I hope you understand all the crazy rambling I have typed so secretly. If there are any outstanding questions, please fell free to ask me.
I have come out of this project having thought a lot about a lot of things, a lot of difficult things. You probably know exactly what I am talking about, being forced to read all the rambling I have done, but I am sad to say that although I wish could have changed some things, I cannot. Things will remain the way they were before this blog, except, of course, my mind, which has had quite a load of exercise in the field of analytical thinking.
I think I have gone on long enough. I hope this has not been a complete waste of your time. Thank you for reading.

Rambling (Sorry!)

I was standing in the kitchen cutting whole mushrooms for dinner (Probably a bit more harshly than necessary!) , frustrated with a lot of things that have been going on the past few days. The room was completely silent, perfect for one thing: thinking. I was mulling over a lot of thing things which had been said and done by people (including myself) and wondering what the heck was going through our minds when we said them. It was frustrating, upsetting, and I was wondering what the point of all of it happened to be. Then I thought of my FSE, this FSE (and to quote Gilmore Girls, my favourite TV program for comic relief, "You win. You're in my head. You are in my head! Are you happy now?"). I guess it's one of those things where, you hear about something for the first time, then it comes up in a bunch of seemingly random places and you think, 'I know what that means.' Only, I wasn't hearing about deception for the first time, just really focusing on it. I realized something too: it has taken over my life. It has slid its way into all the little cracks in my daily existence and manifested itself as a part of who I am. I don't like that. To be honest with you, it repulses me. I have become so wrapped up in telling people that there's nothing to worry about, that I'm not frustrated or overwhelmed, that the world is a perfect place and I go around skipping through fields of daisies, that I don't remember what it was like to live a life where I am not deceiving people on a daily basis. And trust me, my conscience reminds me of what I am doing constantly. I just keep telling myself that it's necessary though, because I honestly believe it is. I have spent my whole life building my morals to what they are and I am not one to take them lightly - ask anyone, but there are some exceptions to every rule, or so they say. I think I am an exception to that rule. My deception is not selfish. If I really wanted to be selfish, I would go around telling people all the secrets I have been asked to keep. I would tell people the truth, and the people I love would get hurt. That is not something I want. The thing is, that's not the only kind of deception. There is the kind that's not really an exception to any rule - the kind Shakespeare used in the writing of Macbeth.
Macbeth's deception is self-serving. He wants something so he hurts and kills the people around him to get it. He lies and he cheats because he wants power, because he thinks it should be his. Maybe he's delusional, maybe he's just selfish. He deceives people not because he has to, but because he wants something, and that is inexcusable to me.
You could probably say that what I am doing is inexcusable. Heck, I think it's inexcusable to do wrong because you think you are an exception to a rule. It's selfish and I judge myself for it on a daily basis. I just don't want to hurt other people. If you talk to me in thirty years, I can't tell you what I'll have to say about this. I don't know how my story is going to end, so I don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong. I can stand here and tell you it is wrong, because morally it is, and then keep doing it. What good will that do? I can make excuses, or let the web get so tangled that I, the spider, will no longer be able to keep weaving it, but rather suffocate in her own lies, but neither of those thing would do any good either. I can only wait and see how my story plays out.

1984

I just thought of something I had previously neglected to consider (Not surprising! [Insert self-deprecating comment here] ). Anyway, this theme is something that can also be connected to 1984. I can't believe I didn't think of it before! (Please ignore the cynical nature of many of the comments in this post - the cynicism is kind of inevitable at the moment. Sorry.)
In the context of 1984, the deception happening is also political, so this post really goes alongside my most recent post. The government of Oceania is corrupt and in the business of deceiving its citizens. They tell the people that they are getting more, that what they are getting is better, that they are benefiting, but they are not. The government is actually taking away from the people, slowly but surely. It's lying straight to their faces and it doesn't seem that they have any remorse for it, considering the malicious nature of so many of the characters.
So, deception comes in many forms - personal, political, and motivational, just to name a few. It doesn't seem any better thinking of it in the context of 1984. Truth - 1, Deception - 0.

Applying it to the World

Not only is deception a theme seen quite frequently in literature, but also in real life. I have shared with you some examples of deception in my life in some of my previous posts; now I would like to talk about some worldly examples.
It is not uncommon for deception to appear in the media, masquerading  as truth or goodness. It is something politicians love to use because even though people know politicians lie, they are willing to blindly follow them. Many people in positions of power make promises they can't keep, and they know they can't keep them, but they lie to the people they are leading and they lie to themselves. This is how they have earned their reputation as liars and untrustworthy snakes. (I'm not saying all politicians are like this, but that quite a few of them are.) People choose to ignore what they should know are untruths and believe the lies they are fed. Why? The lie is easier to accept. It's easier not to have to worry about things when you believe someone is taking care of them for you. The truth is unpleasant. Not ignoring it means work because then you'd have to find someone really trustworthy.
The point is, there are a lot of people who use their power as a means of deception because the public would rather turn a blind eye and follows them over a cliff than do the work to find someone honest. Sometimes it's impossible, so why not go the easy way?
In class this year we studied advertising and the different tactics the ad companies use to get people to buy their products. A lot of advertisements feature lies and deception. Statistics, actors, distortion of reality - all these things are used to reel people in. The sad thing is, they work. People are deceived because the world we live in tells us to believe the lies. We are told to have specific characteristics, and these companies tell us their products will help us with that. We believe them because we want to live up to what the world wants from us. We want to fit in. We deceive ourselves when we blindly allow these ads to sell their products to us. It doesn't seem fair, but when you think of it, many of us do the same thing as they do, only on a different scale. We deceive others with our appearances. We say things we shouldn't say. We distort the truth so that other people will think of us a certain way.
There is deception all around us, and the only way we are going to overcome it is by stopping it, first with ourselves, and then with the bigger picture.

Personal Connection # 1 Continued

This is a song I found a little while ago and I really like the lyrics. It is by one of my favourite Christian bands and it relates to what I was talking about in my post Personal Connection # 1. I know it's a different kind of deception than that which is featured in Macbeth, but it is deception nonetheless. This song is very personal for me and I think that its lyrics accurately reflect the way this theme impacts my life.

If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Honestly, I think a big part of deception is being able to deceive oneself. If you can deceive yourself as well as the people the deception was originally aimed at, it is so much easier to keep up the story. Really, the analogy in this song of playing a part in a show or a play speaks to how far we go with our deception. We are not only deceiving people with the things we say, but also with the way we appear. Our appearances fool people. We look happy, so we must be happy. We are laughing, so everything must be okay. Problem: it's false transference. It's a well learned actor/actress.

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

I often wonder why we feel that we have to deceive the people in our lives. If they really care about us, will the truth make them run away from us? I don't think so. I certainly hope not. So, what then, is the point of deception? Why do we feel the need to deceive others? And why in the world is it so easy to get into?

Song: Stained Glass Masquerade

Artist: Casting Crowns

Just a Thought...

I was finishing up a book last night and I came across a quote that really suited the theme I am writing about in this blog and I thought I would share it. The book is called Spider Bones and it is written by Kathy Riechs. It is not the kind of book I normally read, but I guess I was meant to be reading it last night.

"So much deception. So many secrets. Is that how we live our lives?" (299).

I think the unfortunate thing is that a lot of us do live our lives that way. In the novel, the story had unfolded that a man had taken his cousin's identity and they had switched places. One went off to war and came back with another name which he continued to use until it was revealed nearly 40 years later that this man was not who he claimed to be. The unfortunate thing was that it took someone's death for the truth to come out.

This is an example of how complicated and how delicate these stories of deception can be. One little detail falling out of place can be the end of it all.

The author used a metaphor I really liked to describe the elaborate deception: she called it a spider's web. If you think about it, really this is true. The lies are weaved together so carefully and precisely, and it really is a beautiful thing how they all come together (beautiful in an awful kind of way). It is well known though, that the smallest bit of force can ruin a spider's web. It can get caught on something, blown away, or just maliciously destroyed. Webs are quite strong and can withstand some pressure, but in the end, they will break.

I connected this to Macbeth in that the story he tells and the deception is so fragile that even with the slightest sight of danger, he and his wife know that something needs to be done to protect their secret. They go as far as killing a friend to protect it. I wonder, under normal circumstances, how far the average person would go to protect a web of deceit.

Is this how we live our lives?

Personal Connection #1

In order to understand the use of deception in the play, I have been thinking about some personal experiences which relate to deception in my own life. The first one is definitely not something I talk about a lot, which is probably why it is so successful. I have become quite proficient when it comes to deceiving others. That is not something I am proud of, by the way, but it is necessary ( as I mentioned in my previous post, deception always seems justifiable) and it had become something not only I, but also various members of my family rely on. I know that it is wrong to deceive people who are so important in my life, but weighing the two extremes and knowing that there is no happy medium, I have made my own decision as to what I need to do to keep people happy and protect what little peace I have and treasure in my life. Please, don't judge me too harshly, as this is kind of hard to explain, and as completely crazy as it may seem, it does have its purpose.
Let's first examine who I am deceiving. In this example, it is a lot of people, and when I think about it, I feel completely horrible, but I know I think it has a purpose. I guess I will find out in the long run. The victims of my deception in this case are my immediate family and my church family (that's how I will refer to them because a lot of the time they are like family to me and I wouldn't want to imagine my life without them).
Is it malicious deception? Not in my opinion. It's purpose is keeping the peace and while I am lying (by omission), I try to keep it to a minimum.
Here's the story : There are a lot of details I will keep to myself to respect the wishes of privacy of some of the people in this story. If there are any details you think are missing, please ask me. I hope the information I provide will be sufficient to ascertain a basic enough understanding of the situation so that my point may be made. Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make in the first place. In my home I have a lot of responsibilities because there are some things certain people in my family cannot do. I am responsible for a lot of the cleaning, some of the cooking, scheduling, and educational, as well as emotional support. It can be a tough job, I'm not going to lie about that, but every once in a while it seems worthwhile. There are other times when it is simply exasperating. People don't cooperate,technology has a mind of its own, and oh my goodness, it's raining again and I finally had time to take care of the lawn. I find myself frustrated a lot, and hurt by the things people do and say, but I have a responsibility to these people to keep calm and unemotional. There must be a voice of reason 100% of the time. That's me. Emotional release for me is writing, not talking to people, not yelling, but writing. I deceive the people I love so that I can keep going and so that they know that there is someone strong they can rely on. It does work, most of the time.
The harder part though, is deceiving my church family. A lot of times, I am very emotional at church, which is okay as long as I am sitting in the second row of the choir and no one can see how different things affect me. It is important though, that I "save face" in order to deflect questions so I don't have to lie. My family has friends at church, and I know they are good people, and I don't want to damage the relationships they have built with them (even if they're not entirely truthful).
This is my justification for deception: it is necessary. Don't get me wrong, I hate it more than anything when I have to lie to these people who love me like their own family, and call me crazy, but even though I see how illogical it is, I continue to do it because people rely on it. That's the thing with deception, once it starts, it doesn't stop.
I saw this in Macbeth. As soon as the deception started with killing King Duncan, there were things that needed to be done to make sure that it stayed secret, like the murder of Banquo. That was done to prevent the secret from getting out. It was unjustifiable and horrible, but it seemed justifiable to the ones being deceptive, under the circumstances.
Again, please don't judge. I haven't been able to give the full story as this was hard enough for me to disclose and I hope that it won't need to continue for too much longer, but right now, this is how it has to be, sensible or not.